There’s no going back. Only staying where I am or moving forward. And right now I seem to be doing everything possible to stop myself from moving forward. Films cannot make me do it. Books cannot make me do it. People and hope and social promises cant stop me. My mother can motivate me. Neither clothes, fashion or music. Only I can now. Once again, I stand alone. Naked. Stripped of everything. I have the choice. And only I can make the right decision and act on it. A year ago I wrote in an essay :
Hamlets strange behaviour is partly by choice but as a consequence of his lack of choice in his current feelings and mental being….
… concerns Hamlet’s delay of action. He feel ashamed that he has not avenged his father’s death with the speed and expression exhibited by the actors in the play. He embarks on a speech of self-hatred, labelling himself weak and dull spirited when he calls himself a ‘dull and muddy-mettled rascal’, ‘pigeon livered’ and lacking in gall. His inner turmoil and constant reflection on the matter leave him in a state of confusion at what to do next, even doubting whether the ghost was genuine in his claims when he contemplates ‘The spirit that I have seen may be the devil, and the devil hath power t’assume a pleasing shape’…
The vast overpowerment of the pressures he is faced with, his inner feelings and decisions he is forced to make provoke him to make contrasting choices and constantly change his mind. As a consequence, many of Hamlet’s choices are due to his lack of choice in his present mental state.
Was I perhaps talking about myself? At the time of reading, I identified and understood hamlet strongly, both with his depressions, his self-loathing and his inability to be the person he so longed to be. Now I identify with my writing as I feel yes it is partly by lack of choice I am in this situation due to my mental being. But it is partly by choice I am still here. I choose to go to the supermarket, I choose to stay in the comfort and give in and trick my mother and ask for more. I choose not to fight it therefore I can offer no sympathy towards myself as a character due to my laziness, weakness and self-inflicted pain. And I feel shame for not acting with the strength and rebirth and action that I respect and admire in the characters of films and books that I see, I see and think wow. This is enough to stop me from binging. This is what is important. I don’t need food. This is it. This has reminded me of everything I want, everything I love and everything I want from life. And when I fail I slip into that self-loathing cespitt, ‘labelling himself weak and dull spirited.his innerturmoil and constant reflection on the matter leave him in a state of confusion of what to do next, even doubting whether the ghost (of my past, of who I once was) was genuine in his claims when he contemplates ‘The spirit that I have seen may be the devil, and the devil hath power t’assume a pleasing shape’… Is the devil a life and person I simply dreamt up? Or is it the food I so easily believe I want, and succumb to the temptation, decieved by its ‘pleasing shape’ and handing over another piece of my soul willingly.
After 4 days of what I thought to be real an true change of my way of thinking, I fell off the wagon on saturday night. I was drunk, at a party and had a severe case of the muhnchies which, though eased after jst a slice of pizza, I of course couldnt stop and asnt helped by my clouded perception under the unfluence. I then, the next day continued the binge on lots of m friends birthday cake and icing, the net day ditto and today im hust stuck in a rut. I really though id hit a break through after visitng my councillor last week and i was looking forward to sharing with you what she told me when I’d made it through a week. I even managed to bake 2 chocolate cakes, surrounded by butter cream and icing (my favorite food in the world) and didnt even have to have much, I could just lick the spoon and that was enough.
Once I’ve proven my councillors theory to work, i will share it with you, but right now im in a horrible binge fest again, and its already prevented me from 3 days of revision… 1 AND A HALF WEEKS BEFORE GCSES.
Please, Please let me gain back the control again.
You know its bad when you wish you could replace the food addiction with alcohol…
Whenever I’m tempted to binge, I concentrate on all the things that I have to look forward to this year, that I want so much more than food and that I won’t be able to do if I don’t get better.
Seeing Lady Gaga’s Born this way Ball tour, Wakestock Festival, Leeds Fest, Summer, Starting College, Moving to Brighton…
Try making a mood board of everything you have to look forward to and stic them around the house, in the kitchen, on the fridge and on cupboards. Everytime you get an urge, look at the pictures and remind yourself who you really are, what you really want and what really is important to you and how food isn’t what you crave, but to live lfe and be happy. Use the exciting, fun, beautiful moments, hopes and memories in your life as rewards as opposed to food.
- Smiling 7 times a day can make you happier.
2. It makes you look even more beautiful. <3
3. A smile can release endorphin’s in your brain, a natural pleasure hormone.
4. Smile because you can.
5. I’ve got so much to look forward to ahead of me.
I never owned a pair of scales so I never knew my weight during my illness until I decided to start recovery. The only indication To my weight loss I had was my appearance and the sudden need for a belt. I know a lot of anorexic girls and women and men will weigh themselves excessively and I can’t fully relate, just get rid of them and realise its just a figure. Just like age. Just like your bra size.
(Source: , via recoveryisbeautiful)
Wow this blog is getting corny. But thankfully I have an eating disorder which gives me perspective :P
- Call a friend or your therapist and discuss what is happening.
- Go for a walk or leave the environment that is tempting you to binge.
- Write in your journal about how you are feeling at that moment.
- Try to get your mind on something else. Watch T.V., read a book, do a puzzle, etc.
- Sit down and try to figure out the real reasons why you want to binge.
- Take a bath to relax or try some deep breathing exercises.
- Make a list of foods you are planning to binge on, seal them in an envelope and throw it out or burn it.
- Soak the binge food in water.
- Put on some of your favorite music, shut yourself in your room and dance and sing to it with your eyes closed.
- If you love music and have extra time, learn to play a few songs with an instrument and practice when you feel like bingeing.
- Go into a church or chapel
- Visit a friend
- Do some crafts
- Pamper yourself (i.e. polish your nails, get your hair done, get a massage, etc.)
- Take a yoga or a stress relieving class.
- Dream of your children laughing.
- Write a page long letter to yourself about how you are a good and worthy person.
- If you have a quote the gives you strength when you read it, recite it to yourself when you are feeling down.
- Draw or color a picture of something powerful.
- Flush the food you are planning to binge on down the toilet.
- If you prevent a binge from occurring, calculate how much that binge would have cost. Put the money in a jar each time you succeed in not bingeing and use that money to do something special for yourself like getting a massage, buying a new outfit, etc.
- Trying playing with you dog or petting your cat if you have a pet. If you do not have a pet you might want to think about whether or not you want one. Pets have proven to be very helpful in calming and comforting people. I would only recommend getting a pet if that is what a person really wants and is willing to take on the responsibility of having one.
- If you enjoying gardening, get involved in planting a garden, etc.
- Rearrange or redecorate a room.
- Shout at your eating disorder. If you are standing at the cupboard or refrigerator about to binge, slam the door and shout NO! Shouting at your eating disorder give you power.
- If possible, make it so you are unable to plan a binge. For instance, if you live with someone, make sure they do not tell you when they will be coming home.
- do some mild exercising like bike riding (but only short distances)
- take the money you were about to buy binge food with and buy something for someone you care about. Spend time picking out the gift, writing a nice letter to the person and sending it - by the time that’s done - the tide might have gone out.